Scared. Of the Future.

1952 on a Tuesday evening in August 2008 and I am sitting at the Barnes and Noble in Manhattan Beach, CA trying to write.  Trying to somehow break through the block that has my life speeding by like a bullet, turning hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months and months into years...

I am turning 42 in 26 days.

It seems like just yesterday I was standing outside my house in Lawndale, CA talking to my brother and complaining to him that I was 30 and didn't know what had happened to the last 10 years and how was it possible that I was 30?

1996.  That was 12 years ago.  TWELVE YEARS.

I fear that on a Tuesday in August of 2020, I may find myself sitting somewhere random like this book store, connected to the Internet and writing a blog post about turning 54, and how nearly a QUARTER CENTURY will have passed since that balmy evening in August of 1996 when I told my brother that I felt old at 30.

Jesus Christ.

Where the HELL have the last 12 years gone?  And scarier yet, are the next 12 going to go by just as quickly?  Just as nondescript, just as uneventfully?

I sure hope not.  I need to start living each day as though the seconds and minutes that are running by like so much fine sand through my fingers are little specks of gold that I am spending mindlessly by not working on the important things... not working on advancing my dreams... sitting around and letting time pass me by...

No one is going to come along and prod me into action.  The Universe continues.  The river of time continues to flow inexorably forward... ever forward... it's path unimpeded by my cries of anguish at it's current rate of speed.

Time marches on.  I am caught along in it's wake, racing forward to a future that is as yet unknown, but coming at me anyways, my pleas for it to just wait a little longer be dammed.

Am I in charge of my destiny?  Does what I do today really change what I will tomorrow?  A year from now?  10 years from now?  20?

I wonder.  I at least have that.  My sense of wonderment about what the future holds.  That will be with me always.  And i take some solace in that.  I wrap that feeling around me like a threadbare blanket, trying somewhat desperately to fend off the fear of the unknown.

Because, feared or not.  It's coming.  It will get here eventually, and when it does, I don't want to feel helpless or lost in a storm the way I do tonight.

Fighting for a sense of control. 

What an illusion.

Comments

[Alex De Leon (Your GodSon)]

I've read this post a few times already and each time I read it, it makes me realize how lucky I am to be at my current age and still have a chance to achieve my goals at this time.
Also, I just want to say I'm sorry right now. I've never even asked you what your dreams were or what you wanted to do for the future.
I'm always spilling about my life drama when I come and talk to you and for that I feel bad. I really don't intend to do that and trust me, my situation is not that bad. I'm at that age where I can go in so many directions with my life. The issue is choosing that right one that'll make me happy.

In regards to the future, I really try not to think about it so much. It's exciting to dream about possible inventions and other things though (remember that cool conversation we had coming from that restaurant on Isa's B-Day last year about the teleport tubes and microchips?).

We all have to support each other. If Family can't back each other up then that's just a low down dirty shame.
I think the issue is that society makes it so that if we don't go to that ONE big event or do that ONE thing that everyone else is doing at a particular time or whatever, then you're just out of the loop or you're living a crummy life.

Society and peer pressure are a bitch and a half. It also makes it seem that if you're in a certain niche in life, that you can't explore any others at all. Either that or you would face being humiliated.
An example: A Microsoft engineer with Wife and kids wants to go to a Goth party. (Just thought of the next Microsoft OS Name: Gothica, lol).

I wouldn't worry about things too much because we should all know that if we truly wish to change our lifestyle, we can do it. There may be obstacles that would impede making such a change, but in reality, you can break through it. Just takes some willpower and the willingness to just do it (Quote Nike).

Ok then, I am off to job hunt once more. Doesn't hurt to see what opportunities lie about.
Love ya Primo.

Peace out

[AJ(your son)]

hey dude... i jus read this and wanted 2 let u no that no matter wat u wanna do to advance ur dreams and fullfill them... u have my support to the fullest and u can be sure ill be right behind you encouragin you and tellin u to keep on goin cause u do make ur destiny so u have to put ur actions in play now dad... watever u wanted to do or become wen u were 18 comin out of high school u should start now cause u never no wat could happen tomorrow... so do it dad and count on me givin u my full support... love you dad